The Most Burning Issue Today!

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I have some good news, some bad news, and some worse news. The good news is we’ve taken care of all the major problems in America like poverty, starvation, and preventing Shia LaBeouf from doing another awful Transformers movie. The bad news is we’re left with insane issues like gender neutral bathrooms. The worse news? I was kidding about there being good news, and I’m completely serious about the bad news.

Due to a law passed in North Carolina prohibiting transgendered people from going into the bathrooms for the gender they self-identify with, we need to talk about gender neutral bathrooms as a political and social issue. (And by “talk” I mean “dissect and mock accordingly.”)

There are a couple of parts to the issue. The first is the concept of self-identification. (I plan to get into this concept in greater detail in a future Leftist Lexicon Word of the Week installment, but here’s a taste.) Self-identification is, well, self-explanatory, but there is an expectation for the rest of the world to honor your decision. For example, I self-identify as Brad Pitt. Of course, I’m not, but that doesn’t mean the rest of the world can tell me I’m not under the current self-identification mindset.

But then a little thing called reality pimp-slaps you and you realize just because you think you’re something doesn’t make it so. You can wear more makeup than Tammy Faye Bakker at clown college and wear dresses, but if you’re packing an XY chromosome, you are male. You can also wear suits and cut your hair shorter than Paris Hilton’s attention span, but if you have an XX chromosome, you are female. It’s not oppression; it’s biology, kids.

So, the issue at hand is some people feel there should be gender neutral bathrooms so transgendered people don’t have to feel self-conscious by having to use the restroom associated with their actual gender. The problem with that is you can’t override biology no matter how you feel about it. You are the gender you are, and that’s that. Thank you for playing. Enjoy your lovely parting gifts. Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.

The other issue at hand is how North Carolina reacted to the possibility of perverts self-identifying as the gender of the objects of their desires. Not an unrealistic proposition by any stretch of the imagination because we live in a really weird time in society. The fact Nikki Minaj has a music career is a sign of that. But I have to wonder how much of an overreach this might be. The fear of a possible molestation is powerful, but is it a realistic possibility? Given how small a percentage of the population are transgendered and how small a percentage of the population are pedophiles, it’s hard to believe the Venn Diagram of the two is going to overlap that much. It’s a legislative solution for a problem that may not exist in great numbers, and it’s based on fear.

You know, like the fear ginned up by gun control advocates after every shooting?

Neither side of this debate is right, but there is a simple solution: unisex bathrooms with doors that lock from the inside. It strikes the right balance of security and privacy, and it doesn’t require government intervention.

But what do I know? I identify as Brad Pitt.