The buzz around Washington DC this week was around the Congressional testimony from Special Counsel Robert Hur and his report about President Brick Tamland. The report itself is here, but the short version is the President violated the law, but the Department of Justice didn’t think he could be convicted because he’s a sympathetic doddering old fuck.
The Left has done a great job in making it seem like the Hur Report exonerated President Tamland, even going so far as to make the case Hur overstated the President’s memory problems, among other failed attempts to discredit the report and the Special Counsel. Regardless, the Hur Report and its impact on President Tamland’s Presidency (as well as Leftist sanity) is worth exploring further.
the Hur Report
What the Left thinks it means – a report from a moron that exonerates the President from hiding classified documents in various locations
What it really means – a disappointing political paradox that we should have seen coming
The life cycle of a modern political scandal is as predictable as the ending of a mystery novel written by your average social media “star.” The politician breaks laws that would get anyone else outside the ruling class thrown in prison for years. The media find out about the crimes committed and either attempts to hold the politician accountable (if he/she is a Republican or conservative) or downplay it in the hopes the scandal goes away (if he/she is a Democrat or a Leftist). People outside the media bubble find out and start asking questions. The politician and his/her handlers hold off on explaining anything until the questions get too close for comfort. Then, the politician and his/her handlers address it without actually addressing it, thus pissing off some people (namely those who think the laws should apply to everyone) and pleasing others (namely people who are a short skirt and pom-poms away from being full-blown cheerleaders). And after a little while, it all goes away, save for the gnashing of teeth who really wanted something done.
There are some variations to this framework that pop up from time to time, but it’s pretty much the same from Ronald Reagan to Brick Tamland. I mean, how long have we known Eric Swalwell slept with a suspected Chinese spy and he’s still not spending his days getting a tan at Gitmo? How many politicians wound up on Epstein Island and are still running around free? That may be the most disturbing, disgusting, and disheartening thing about all of it: no matter what, you’re more likely to get Dylan Mulvaney to stop being an attention whore than you are to get a politician to see any time on the business end of a conviction.
That brings us to the Hur Report. First off, how dare you assume the report’s gender? More importantly, th0ugh, is what the report lays out in stunning detail is just how fucked we are with President Tamland at the helm of the ship of state. Here are some choice cuts.
– The President remembered the month and day of his son’s death, but aides had to provide him with the year.
– Aides would provide information when the President seemed to be having trouble.
– The President admitted to having documents he wasn’t authorized to have, albeit with some chronological difficulty.
– He forgot when he served as Vice President.
– The President admitted to memory issues after the fact, citing his long history in government as the reason.
But I’m sure it was just his stutter.
Wait, why does the ship of state say Exxon Valdez on the side?
Seriously, these issues (among the several he’s had this year alone) paint a vivid picture of a man well past his prime trying to do a job that taxes men decades his junior. If there were ever a case for invoking the 25th Amendment, the last year or so of President Tamland’s performance would be it. On the one hand, it would get spun as a political move (which it would be anyway because Leftists). On the other it would lead to President Word Salad (which would make for worse decisions, but a better 2024 outcome for Republicans). So, pick your partisan poison, I guess.
The problem the Hur Report creates for Republicans is how weak the aftershocks make them look. President Tamland is clearly mentally diminished due to age, the onset of Alzheimer’s, or him just being dumb as a stump to begin with. Yet, Leftists keep saying he’s mentally sharp as ever. So, either he shouldn’t be President because he’s no longer capable of performing “Three Blind Mice” on a children’s toy flute let alone the country, or he shouldn’t be President because he’s corrupt as fuck.
And Republicans can’t stop tripping over their own dicks to make either case, which gives the Left an open field to make whatever case they want, such as the bullshit “he was exonerated” line that’s been repeated ad nauseum.
More to the point, though, the Hur Report and Hur himself makes the argument why President Tamland shouldn’t be allowed to be in an Office Depot, let alone the Oval Office. For all the talk he’s done about white supremacists being a major threat to the country, the biggest threat is Tamland himself. Think back to the days when Leftists called out Ronald Reagan and Donald Trump for being mentally unfit during their respective Presidencies. I’m not sure how many fucks they gave at the time, but I’m guessing it was pretty close to zero.
Now, their past is coming back to haunt them. That is, if the GOP would hold them to the standards they set. The Hur Report gives them the tools they need to put away a pretty big tool, but for some reason they’re happier making broad statements in Congressional hearings and creating viral moments than putting on their Big Congresscritter Pants and doing something other than voting for more money for Ukraine and Israel.
And people wonder why I’m voting for C’thulu/Sweet Meteor of Death 2024.
Tag: joe biden
The State of the Onion Address 2024
My fellow Americans,
After listening to parts of the most recent State of the Union Address, I came to a startling revelation, and I must apologize. For years, I have been calling the President “Puddin’ Head Joe” and even wrote a parody song about it. I was wrong, and I am sorry. From this point on, I shall refrain from calling the President Puddin’ Head Joe.
Because I found a much more appropriate name.
If you remember the film “Anchorman,” you should remember the character of Brick Tamland, the weatherman as played by Steve Carrell. To put it mildly, Brick was only a step or two from being a drooling idiot. If that doesn’t describe Joe Biden right now, I don’t know what does.
Anyway, President Tamland’s SOTU Address was full of shouting, gaslighting, divisiveness, and general what-in-the-Wide-World-of-Fuck that we’ve come to expect out of the guy. But at this point I have to ask whether he’s even up to be President of the HOA, let alone the United States.
This thought by itself would get be branded as ageist, ableist, or any other -ist the Left could muster to defend their guy, but it’s time we had an intervention. President Tamland is no longer capable of being President and no amount of water-carrying by the media will change that.
Especially when you consider the same assholes telling us how sharp President Tamland is were finding any excuse they could to make former President Donald Trump look like, well, the current President.
To be fair, though, Trump may not necessarily be the best alternative, either. By the time he would take the Oath of Office for a second time (should he be reelected), he would be 78 years old, only three years younger than President Tamland is now. Although Trump hasn’t exhibited the rate of mental decline his opponent has yet, maybe it’s time we start trending younger for Presidential candidates.
Not that the next generation of Presidential hopefuls is any great intellectual leap from the current crop, mind you. As our politicians skew younger, I swear they get dumber, as evidenced by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Marjorie Taylor Greene. You could combine the two and still not come up with a half-wit.
But in today’s political environment, it doesn’t matter if you’re dumber than Brittany Spears’ current social media manager. All that matters is you vote “the right way.” Then, you will get the public support of your party, even if it’s through gritted teeth and reddened faces.
This leads to the great paradox of leadership. Those who would be great at it don’t want to do it, and those who suck at it are always the first in line to run for higher office. And once they get into office, you need an act of God (or in the case of Leftists, an act of Soros) to get them out, which means the worst of the worst become our problems year after year, election after election.
And by problems, I mean embarrassments. Between Rep. Eric Swalwell sleeping with a Chinese spy (and still getting to keep his position on the House Committee on Homeland Security) and Rep. Lauren Boebert giving out handies during a musical version of “Beetlejuice,” I’m surprised we don’t need to supply DC with more cold showers or at least lengths of hose to keep these horndogs thinking more about their jobs than about getting lucky. Then again, if they’re too busy fucking each other, they won’t have time to fuck us over, so there’s that.
What I’m trying to say is America is being run by people who could limbo under the lowest of standards with plenty of room to spare. While we’re busy worrying about how to make our dollars stretch more than Amy Schumer’s yoga pants, we tend to let things like candidate quality slide. We need to do a better job of holding our elected officials accountable at every level instead of shrugging and saying, “well, the other side is worse.” Remember, the lesser of two evils is still evil, and the lesser of two incompetents is still incompetent, even if the incompetent is on “our side.”
And people wonder why I’m voting for the C’thulu/Sweet Meteor of Death 2024 ticket.
Leftist Lexicon Word of the Week
By the time you read this, Puddin’ Head Joe will have given his latest State of the Union Address where he will say we’re doing great under Bidenomics while calling out one of the biggest issues we face in America today.
Shrinkflation.
Not illegal immigration. Not the national debt ballooning to Rosie-O’Donnell-and-Michael-Moore-at-an-all-you-can-eat-buffet levels. Not fentanyl addiction, the price of goods and services, or our involvement in two wars. Getting less for the same price we paid for the same item previously.
At least Puddin’ Head Joe has his thumb firmly up his own ass or else he might be tempted to do something. In the meantime, we can talk about shrinkflation in terms even Puddin’ Head Joe can understand.
shrinkflation
What the Left thinks it means – when greedy companies charge the same price, but give consumers less
What it really means – when companies try to balance customer demand and production costs
I will warn you this is some economics talk, so if it’s not your bag, you may not want to continue. Unless you want to see me use the word “fuck” a lot. I bear no responsibility for any boredom or drowsiness you feel reading this week’s Lexicon.
With that out of the way, fuck.
When costs go up due to…oh I don’t know…a fucking idiot using our budget like the ATM at a strip club for compulsive people, companies have to figure out a way to continue doing business. Since most companies are run by people who have even a fleeting understanding of the laws of supply and demand, this sets into motion a series of decisions. Raise prices to compensate for the cost of doing business, offer less and try to keep prices lower, or do a combination of the two?
Shrinkflation is the combination of the two. Instead of charging the actual price of a good or service (which may negatively impact demand), companies will keep the price at the same level as before the cost hike, but they have to find a way to balance the cost with the price point. That usually means giving people less or taking a loss.
The other option on the shrinkflation table is to reduce the size of the packaging, thus reducing the amount you get. Granted, it’s usually a little bit here and there, but it can make all the difference if you get to the end of your package of Oreos and you’re missing one or two. And since we’re dealing with milk’s favorite cookie, that’s a sin against Man and Nature.
Now, for the people who don’t even have a Cliff’s Notes idea of the law of supply and demand (i.e. Leftists), the obvious solution is for the company to take a loss. After all, it’s just money and these companies make tons of it. The issue at hand for them is greed. In their hivemind, greed is immoral (except when it’s done to advance Leftist causes), so there is a moral obligation for companies to not make any more money than necessary.
Sound familiar? If not, let me give you a clue: it’s the entire fucking idea behind Puddin’ Head Joe’s push to deal with shrinkflation.
But wait, there’s more! Puddin’ Head Joe announced he was launching a task force to combat…“unfair and illegal pricing.” Yep, government has to get involved to help consumers. And I’m sure nothing could possibly go wrong with that. Look at the success of Obamacare!
On second thought, let’s not.
The thing is government can’t fight greed. Greed is a human trait, so combating it means fighting human nature. Of course, the government has been fighting wars on drugs and poverty for decades, so maybe the powers that be stupid think following the same script will work this time. It just needs time and money…no, wait, that’s Ukraine.
Regardless, it’s a fundamentally stupid idea that doesn’t attack the real issue. It’s not necessarily the greed of the companies that needs to be addressed, but the greed of the consumers. Whether you clip coupons like a rabbi performing brises on straight commission or look for sales and deals on items you want or need, we are all trying to get our dollars to stretch as much as we can. Especially these days when inflation is higher than Hunter Biden on any day ending in, well, “day.” That puts the producer and the buyer at an impasse, as the producer is trying to make as much money as possible without pricing themselves into oblivion.
But here’s the part the Left doesn’t understand: that’s a part of the law of supply and demand. It’s not like if a company makes one penny more than it “should” the buyer is fucked. It just means in that particular transaction, the producer (i.e. the one accepting all the risk) made a penny. Having some no-name, no-brain bureaucrat with a shiny new office and a meaningless title take that penny away isn’t going to fix the problem, but it may start a whole new problem: government taking more than just that one penny.
One of my immutable truths is “The sole purpose of any bureaucracy is to grow itself to the point it becomes irremovable.” If Puddin’ Head Joe’s task force can take away one penny of profit in the name of unfair business practices, what’s to stop it from taking another penny and another and another and so on using the same rationale? As long as there are people who believe businesses are fucking them over, there will always be a line outside the door of people willing to “stick it to The Man.”
But there comes a point where “sticking it to The Man” results in negative consequences. Just ask Walgreens and CVS, who have been plagued by continuous shoplifting in California and are pulling out of some areas only to get shamed by community leaders for trying to cut the company’s losses and closing stores in these areas. Of course, if these same community leaders gave two shits about the shoplifting and tried fixing that problem instead of bitching to Walgreens and CVS, maybe those locations wouldn’t be trying to get out in the first place.
Nahhhhh. That’s too simple. Has to be racism because…fuck you racists!
As consumers, we have to understand as prices go up for the things we buy and use, those same prices are going up to get us these things. The way Puddin’ Head Joe wants us to think ignores that reality and creates a straw man that would put Ray Bolger to shame. And, yes, if there is a company that charges the same price before Inflationpalooza but delivers only 1/100 of the product, that company should get the shit kicked out of them. But not through violence or government interference. In the place where it really matters, the free market.
And that’s where any shrinkflation should be addressed, to be honest. Money talks, bullshit walks, and Leftists balk, and it’s the best way to balance the needs and wants of all parties directly involved. And it will piss off people who don’t like the free market, so win-win!
Seriously, shrinkflation is only a problem for those who don’t get how free market capitalism works. Which means Puddin’ Head Joe is going to make it a problem, and we’re all going to feel the impact of his attempts to “fix” it.
Oh joy.
Our Brother-In-Law
This is your annual reminder the war between Russia and Ukraine is still going on and we still don’t have any idea of what the fuck we’re doing in it yet. I mean, aside from giving billions of American tax dollars to a cause that’s ill-defined outside of “Putin Bad” and has no clear end date in sight.
Oh, and did I mention we’re backing the losing side?
Actually, that’s a bit premature. They haven’t lost yet, so there’s always a chance Ukraine can turn things around…provided, of course, we send more money and arms.
It was at this point I came to a realization: Ukraine is like the stereotypical lazy brother-in-law. They don’t do much, spend what little money they have on shit they don’t need, and always come around when they need just a few bucks to get them through until they can get on their feet. And, because they’re related by marriage, we tend to relent in order to keep the peace within the family.
That doesn’t work so well when an entire country is the brother-in-law and we’re strapped for cash ourselves. Regardless of what Leftist squawking head tells you, the economy isn’t so rosy. Inflation continues to rise (although at a much lower rate than the previous 2 years, so yay, I guess?), and Puddin’ Head Joe keeps finding ways to make the US Dollar worth less than the acknowledgements section of a narcissist’s autobiography.
Like, oh I don’t know…giving billions to a foreign country without asking for any of it back?
Of course, the Leftist warmongers will mention Ukraine is fighting for freedom and we should support it or we’re Russian assets. Which is why so many of these same warmongers are trying to tie aid to Israel to aid to Ukraine because…freedom, I guess?
Actually, the two are not connected in any way. And if you’ve been following the events in Ukraine prior to the war with Russia, you can see why, but for those who haven’t let’s just say Ukraine has…a bit of a neo-Nazi problem. Which means we have a bit of a neo-Nazi problem because we’re funding them in the name of freedom, all the while telling us neo-Nazis are all over the US and evil, nasty people who can’t be reasoned with.
You know, just like Antifa!
This contradiction doesn’t seem to bother the Left that much, but it bothers me. We cannot hold Ukraine to a different standard than we hold our own citizens, even if we don’t like the implications. This is the kind of idiocy that got both Iran and Iraq hating our guts in the early 80s when they were having their own war. We tried playing both sides at different points and we got fucked as a result.
Now, we’re repeating the same mistake. After trying to be buddy-buddy with Russia as far back as the Obama Administration (remember Hillary Clinton’s “Reset” button?), we’re now blaming them for everything from inflation to supply line issues to the fact Taylor Swift is dating Travis Kelce. And when you consider Russia and China are getting along like the aforementioned Swift and Kelce, that doesn’t bode well for us.
But freedom…I guess?
So, it looks like we’re going to be letting Ukraine sleep on our couch for the foreseeable future. But I’m sure they’ll find a job…I mean win the war with Russia soon. They just need a few billion to tide them over until they win…
Leftist Lexicon Word of the Week
With almost every election in the past 25 years or so, there have been accusations of one side or the other trying to get an unfair advantage though what is loosely called “election interference.” This can take on many forms, but the Left seems to be particularly concerned with election interference this year.
Maybe it has something to do with their Presidential candidate being only slightly more coherent than a piece of burnt toast…naaaaaah. If we’ve learned anything from Leftists, it’s that they’re honest brokers truly looking out for the best interests of their ideological cult…I mean country. Regardless, we have a tough nut to crack, so let’s get cracking.
No, Hunter, I’m not talking real crack here, buddy.
election interference
What the Left thinks it means – outside parties influencing American politics through underhanded and illegal means
What it really means – election shit Leftists do, but never get held accountable for doing
One of the bedrock principles America’s had throughout its existence is fair elections. Voters across the country would spend more time in local libraries and churches than they would the rest of the year and cast ballots for candidates they felt would do the best job in a given role. When we started electing incompetents, though, that dynamic shifted to whichever scumbag we liked more.
Anyway, this came into question in 2000 in the election between George W. Bush and Al Gore. I won’t go into a lot of detail here because I’m still going to therapy over it, but for those of you who weren’t there, the Readers Digest Condensed Version is Al Gore tried to use recounts in select Florida counties to win the state’s electoral votes and failed. This sent shockwaves throughout the political landscape. I mean, who could have imagined a thoroughly unlikable and out-of-touch former Vice President would lose?
I mean, aside from anyone who paid attention to Al Gore.
In the aftermath of Hurricane Hanging Chads, Leftists decided Bush cheated, thus he wasn’t legitimately President. This lead to conspiracy theories involving then-Florida Governor and W’s brother Jeb, Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris, the US Supreme Court, and several boy bands getting their hands dirty while installing George W. Bush. Never mind the fact most, if not all, media-generated recounts repeatedly showed Bush won Florida. It was a conspiracy, dammit!
Then, before you could say “Not My President,” the election interference disappeared in 2008, even though not much in the lines of election security had changed. Hmmm…now who won the Presidency in 2008? Surely the fact the Left’s choice for President winning had no bearing on whether the Left thought election was tampered with, right? I mean that would be totally be a dick move to selectively call out election interference based on who was in office!
And it was just such a dick move they did in 2016 when Donald Trump beat Hillary Clinton. The only difference between the 2000 conspiracy theories and the 2016 ones was the particular parties involved. And election security? Still not that different than it was back then.
Then, before you could say “Orange Man Bad,” election integrity wasn’t an issue in 2020…except where it was and glossed over by Leftists and turned into treason if you dared not accept one of the most fucked-up elections in history as totally legit. And now Puddin’ Head Joe is fucking everything else up and is in jeopardy of losing the White House to Trump, guess what’s coming back? That’s right, election interference!
But what does that actually look like? Depends on who you ask. To a normal person, a lot of the shit that’s been going on since 2000 has been election interference, ranging from potential threats of violence (Black Panthers outside polling places in 2008) to irregular counting procedures (counting ballots after the counting was supposed to be concluded in 2020). In other words, Leftist Election Strategy 101.
To Leftists, it’s anything Republicans and conservatives do to prevent the Left from cheating. Pass a law preventing campaign volunteers from handing out bottles of water to people in line, which could be considered electioneering? That’s election interference! Call for Voter ID laws? Election interference! In fact, I think you can count on the one hand of the world’s worst shop teacher the number of things the Left wouldn’t consider election interference.
To put it mildly, Leftists care about election interference like they care about the gay community: only when it suits their larger political ends. Otherwise, it’s issue non grata. The way you can tell? Leftists aren’t overtly spending money on election security. If they were really concerned about Russia, China, or even Nickelback affecting the 2024 election, they would be coming up with all sorts of election integrity boondoggles where Leftists could get rich..er and nothing would get done.
See what I mean?
The Left’s ideal version of election integrity is one where they’re the only ones allowed to cheat and win. But by taking this approach, they’ve ensured they can never be taken seriously on this subject by anyone who has a brain, which means anyone who isn’t a Leftist. Meanwhile, real election integrity is eroding before our eyes because few Republicans care to even touch the issue, let alone take the heat from the Left for trying to do something to restore faith in the system. If we want to see a return to the good old days where we can accept election results without all the bullshit, we have to take the heat and pack a lunch. Just avoid mayonnaise and cole slaw.
In the meantime, call out the Left’s bullshit when they bring up election integrity as an issue. Ask them what they intend to do the next time one of their preferred candidates win to ensure outside forces don’t tip the scales. And be prepared not to get an answer. Or have them call you a bigot. Or have their heads explode. You know, whatever works.
The Not-So-Great Replacement
If you’ve been paying attention to the Left in recent years (and to be fair why would you since you have jobs and lives), you’ve heard about the Great Replacement Theory. In short, it’s the belief Jews are bringing in immigrants to replace white people. Of course, it’s wrong because without white people, Leftists would have no one to blame for shit.
But those same Leftists are facing their own Great Replacement Theory, but it has nothing to do with race or ethnicity. It has to do with who will be running for President for the Democrats in 2024.
The current presumptive candidate is President Puddin’ Head Joe, but given his propensity to, oh I don’t know, be a feeble-minded buffoon on a good day, the Left is trying to figure out what to do if his mental and/or physical health continues to deteriorate. To put it mildly, their options are scarcer than meat options at a vegan barbecue. Let’s take a look at these wieners…I mean winners.
Kamala Harris – Current Vice President and leader in the Government Official Who Makes Puddin’ Head Joe Look Sentient contest. Her list of accomplishments to date have been impressive…in just how blank the list is. Her popularity is somewhere between Bidenomics and Ben Shapiro at the BET Music Awards, and only one of those has a good beat that you can dance to. Leftists are trying to replace her, so elevating her to the Presidency would be a step in the wrong direction.
Dean Phillips – The “Who Is He?” candidate. To his credit, Phillips has brought up Puddin’ Head Joe’s age and low approval rates as reasons to find someone else. But as those calls have gotten louder in Leftist circles, it hasn’t moved the needle on his candidacy. And given how his party treated Robert Kennedy Jr., it’s not surprising so many are still Ridin’ With Biden even if that ride ends up at the bottom of a ravine. And speaking of Mr. Kennedy…
Robert Kennedy Jr. – Noted vaccine skeptic and bane of the Left’s existence because he didn’t Trust The Science. Much has been made of how his anti-vaccination stance has negatively impacted his extended family, but not much has been made of…how can I put this…his being fucking right about the COVID-19 vaccine. Since the narrative of his “homewrecking” has become the go-to for the Leftist hivemind, it’s unlikely he’ll get a fair shake or an honest hearing from Leftists and the media (but I repeat myself). So, he’s running as an Independent in the hopes that will prevent the Puddin’ Head Joe stink from sticking on him.
Jill Stein – The scapegoat of Hillary Clinton’s failed 2016 Presidential bid (since Leftists can’t admit the former First Lady is a shitty candidate), Stein is making another run for the White House for the Green Party. If you like recycled ideas that wouldn’t even work in theory, you’ll love her current platform…which appears to be only marginally different than her 2012 and 2016 platforms. I admire the tenacity, but when not even Leftists are willing to give your Leftist squawking points a first look, let alone a second, you might be in the Pat Paulsen category of Presidential candidates: a joke that comes around every 4 years and is forgotten afterwards.
Cornel West – Yes, that Cornel West. I can tell how much of an impact he’s going to have on this year’s election by the fact I didn’t even know he was running until I did research on the candidates. Gotta justify those speaking fees somehow!
Marianne Williamson – One of the few bright spots from the Left in the 2020 election. Sure, she’s nuttier than squirrel shit, but at least she was honest and willing to listen. No wonder Leftists don’t like her. I know she’s suspended her campaign already, but I would be remiss if I didn’t include her.
Other Democrats who some thought might run include Joe Manchin and Michelle Obama. With Manchin being as popular in Leftist circles as Rush Limbaugh in San Francisco, that would be a non-starter. Michelle Obama, on the other hand, still has the popularity she did when she was First Lady, but she said she wasn’t interested in the Presidency.
So, that leaves the Left with jack and shit for potential replacements for Puddin’ Head Joe, and Jack left town. This poses a problem for the Left in 2024 and beyond because they haven’t really developed a solid bench of potential candidates. Even rising stars like California Governor Gavin Newsom and Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer have enough baggage to keep them where they are for now. In another 4 years, that may change, but for now the Left’s Presidential candidate bench is shallower than a Taylor Lorenz article. Or, Lorenz herself, for that matter.
In retrospect, the Left may have been better served by losing the 2020 Presidential election because it would have forced them to find better candidates that could have better capitalized on Donald Trump’s unforced errors. Not that they would have had any in the first place, but one can dream. As it stands, though, they have a doddering old fool at the head of the ticket, and a doddering middle age fool backing him up, and the lack of viable replacements is a problem that could cost them the White House for years to come.
Looks like the Left will have to get more dead people to vote!
Leftist Lexicon Word of the Week
There are times when both the Left and the Right get something so completely fucking wrong that I have to call it out. And this is one of those times.
Since the NFL season began, there has been a lot of talk about Taylor Swift, mainly because she’s currently dating potential future song inspiration Travis Kelce of the Kansas City Chiefs. This has garnered a lot of emotions on both sides of the political aisle and for a lot of different reasons.
And if there wasn’t, I wouldn’t have a topic for this week’s Lexicon.
Taylor Swift
What the Left thinks it means – a strong successful woman who scares conservative and Republican football fans
What the Right thinks it means – a nuisance who has ruined the NFL this year and may impact the 2024 election
What it really means – she’s a fucking performer
Sorry to bring the heat so early into this one, but it’s the central point that both sides continue to ignore.
A lot of the heat from the Right when it comes to Taylor Swift is based on how popular she is with both young women and wine moms. These are two demographics that the Right have pissed off in recent months with abortion “bans” (i.e. following the 10th Amendment instead of a fundamentally flawed and politically motivated Supreme Court decision) and…well, that’s pretty much it. Beyond that, there are a few traits both groups exhibit.
Namely, they’re dumbasses who are easily manipulated by Leftists.
Oh, and they hang on everything Taylor Swift does. That point isn’t lost on Leftists, mind you. In fact, they’re banking on it to get women to the polls since Puddin’ Head Joe and Kamala “I Make the President Look Articulate” Harris are about as popular as PETA at a steakhouse. For Leftists who want to keep Puddin’ Head Joe in office…oh, who am I kidding, they want to keep Donald Trump out of office more than they want Puddin’ Head Joe in office, they need to energize as many voters as possible.
Hence, their professed love of Taylor Swift and how she “scares” Republicans and conservatives. And like the Kansas City Chiefs on a short yardage scenario, they are fucking running with this narrative. Facebook, Twitter, and social media in general are filled with this idea that somehow a pretty blonde white woman frightens big bad MAGA folks.
And yet these same Leftists say MAGA is full of white supremacists…who would presumably be in favor of pretty blonde white women…
Fuck it, it doesn’t make sense.
That brings us to the other side of the equation. The Right has built up this outrage over Taylor Swift because she tends to lean to the Left. And given how Swifties follow her like hippies followed the Grateful Dead, the Right is scared of the political sway she has or may have if the Swifties all registered and voted. Plus, there are rumors Swift is going to endorse Puddin’ Head Joe at the Super Bowl, which will mean…not a lot, but it will piss off conservative and Republican football fans.
See, the problem the Right has in their hyperventilation over Taylor Swift is in whether Swifties will turn into voters. Although one Instagram post urging her followers to register to vote garnered over 35,000 new registrations, that is out of…272 million followers as of the date of that post. That’s a whopping 0.00012868% of her followers, kids! I don’t even have an Instagram, but if I did and got the one follower I would presumably have to register to vote, I would outperform Taylor Swift. Also, I bet I could beat her in a chicken wing eating contest, so there’s that.
The point is I like chicken wings, and I can do math. Republicans and conservatives worrying about Swifties rushing out to vote for Puddin’ Head Joe because she says something at the Super Bowl are overestimating the return on investment, for lack of a better term. Yes, she’s influential, but does she move the 2024 needle that much? Probably not, mainly because it would require a sustained effort on Swift’s part to turn her fans into Puddin’ Head Joe fans. And she has shit to do, like write another 14 songs about ex-boyfriends for her next album!
At the end of the day, Taylor Swift only has the power we give her. If we think she’s a potential ally, she’s an ally. If we think she’s a roadblock, she’s a roadblock. If we think she’s a turkey and Swiss on rye with a bit of spicy brown mustard…well, she wouldn’t be, but the point remains. Once we understand the give-and-take of this situation, we can decide how to react.
As for me? I just don’t fucking care.
Taylor Swift is an adult and, as such, she can date who she wants, believe what she wants, and vote for who she wants, as long as all of those actions are done within the confines of the law. If she votes 243 times for Puddin’ Head Joe, though, then she’s fair game for consequences and, quite possibly, a referral to a mental facility. Until then, we owe her the same basic respect we give to a complete stranger: not to stick our noses into his or her business.
Of course, this point will get lost on the extremes of the Taylor Swift kerfuffle because it’s more fun to be pissed off over insignificant bullshit. That’s become our national past time. Screw baseball and football! It’s outrage, baby! If outrage were an Olympic event, we would win the gold, silver, and bronze medals, although the silver and bronze medalists would ask to speak to the Olympics’ manager.
But here’s the thing. You control your outrage, and Taylor Swift doesn’t. Pick your battles better and don’t get swept up in the argle-bargle du jour. In the grand scheme of things, she doesn’t care you don’t like her, nor should you care that she doesn’t care. Fandoms come and go, and the Swifties, too, shall pass.
Just ask anyone from Dexys Midnight Runners.
Leftist Lexicon Word of the Week
Unless you’ve been living under a rock (or in Amish country), you’ve heard the term “border crisis” tossed about like a frisbee at a stoner festival in Colorado on 4/20. While the Puddin’ Head Joe Administration has been busy handling the really important issues, like finding out who has been buying Bibles, the southern border has seen numerous illegal immigrants crossing practically at will. And it’s left officials in southern states looking for help.
Maybe they haven’t heard about the Bible buying epidemic.
It was only when Texas Governor Greg Abbott did something (and by something, I mean a few things) about the situation that the Left got upset. I mean, how else are they going to make illegal immigrants vote Democrat if they aren’t allowed to enter the country illegally?
Seriously, though, we need to dig deeper into the border crisis because…well, there’s a lot of shit behind it.
border crisis
What the Left thinks it means – an overblown non-issue that shows how Republicans hate immigrants
What it really means – a serious crisis caused by both major parties giving zero fucks about immigrants
The history of immigration laws in America is…well, a little on the confusing side. Put simply, a country that was founded at least in part on immigration from foreign lands decided to limit immigration in 1965 because…reasons, I guess? But that hasn’t stopped people from wanting to come to America, and it certainly hasn’t stopped people from taking shortcuts to come to the Land of the Free and the Home of Anchor Babies and Green Card Marriages.
Since illegal immigrants tend not to fill out census forms, it’s estimated that there are over 11 million of them in America right now. That’s over 10 Rhode Islands and almost 20 Wyomings. And keep in mind this is just an estimate. The actual number could be higher or lower, but the fact it’s more than the populations of all but 7 states tells me there’s an issue.
Not that the Left agrees there is an issue, mind you. The Puddin’ Head Joe Administration has gone from claiming the southern border is secure to saying it would be secure if it weren’t for those pesky Republicans and their dog to saying it hasn’t been secure for a decade. Even Mitt “I Ain’t Shit” Romney tried to blame Donald Trump for the border crisis.
Good thing Kamala Harris the border czar or we’d be fucked! Oh, wait, we are, and it’s not just because Vice President Word Salad has zero ideas of what to do.
The fact is the past 3 years of the Puddin’ Head Joe Administration’s border policy has resulted in more, not less, illegal immigration. But now that the 2024 elections are coming up and voters see the President as less effective on the border than a bubble pipe in a gang war, they’re going to get serious and…adopt some of the same policies they decried as racist and xenophobic when Trump suggested them. Brilliant!
Even if Puddin’ Head Joe goes full MAGA, it’s not going to solve the border crisis. And the same will happen if Donald Trump wins the Presidency again, and it’s for the same reason: because the majority of politicians don’t want to solve the problem. Remember, one of my immutable truths of life is government is not in the problem-solving business. For the Left, there is too much money and power to be gained by letting people enter the country like hookers and blow at Hunter Biden’s place. For the Right, there is too much money and power to be gained by stoking the fear illegal immigrants are taking American jobs and taking money out of social programs. And any attempts to change the status quo is going to piss off one side or the other.
So, why not piss them off by doing something?
The fact so many Leftists are going after Governor Abbott for securing the southern border of his state and for sending illegal immigrants to sanctuary cities is a sign they know how bad the border crisis is and are freaking out that a Republican governor had the balls to hold the Left at their word. Throw in Ron Desantis, and you have two Republicans willing to do something about the problem.
And now that several other Republican governors are backing Abbott’s play? The Left is in full-blown freak out mode, or should be if they were aware of the implications of the policies they’ve been pimping for years.
And they aren’t. They’re too busy either trying to continue to spin Puddin’ Head Joe’s border failures as not his fault or looking for an alternate candidate to support, like…oh, I don’t know…Nikki Haley? Either way, the Left can’t bullshit their way out of this. Their hands are pretty dirty, which given how they don’t like to work, is ironic, don’t ya think?
However, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the Right’s failures on the border. Yes, Donald Trump promised a border wall, but there are ways to avoid the walls altogether, such as tunnels under the wall or into states where they give illegal immigrants a pass, like California. Throw in the growing fentanyl epidemic being funneled through these and other tunnels and human trafficking being done in conjunction with illegal immigration and you have a multi-front problem that neither major party has any idea of how to address. It’s one thing to show compassion to those who are seeking asylum due to political violence or civil unrest, but it’s another thing to let every Tomas, Ricardo, and Hernando across the border under the assumption they’re asylum seekers.
But that’s the Left’s plan. By lumping those attempting to go through proper channels to come to America with those just looking to get free shit, the Left paints a picture that doesn’t match what’s going on in an attempt to get you to let your emotions override your logic. As long as the border crisis continues, the Left will use this tactic to take your mind off the ever-rising numbers coming into America through dishonest means.
But that’s why we should counter the pulling of the heartstrings with hard numbers and logic. The border crisis is no longer about alleged asylum seekers, but encompasses more criminal activities the longer we sit around with our thumbs up our asses. First off, that’s very uncomfortable and may lead to carpel tunnel syndrome. Second, and more importantly, we’re playing with human lives here. Taking a stand against the Immigrat-a-palooza going on under Puddin’ Head Joe and the ineffective “solutions” that take no real action to secure our border is the only way I know to respect our national sovereignty and protect as many people as we can on both sides of the border.
Then, maybe American can return to the Land of the Free and the Home of the 99 Cent Menu at Taco Bell.
Leftist Lexicon Word of the Week
With Election 2024 coming up faster than a salmonella and ipecac shake, the political landscape is going to get contentious in a hurry. And nowhere is it getting more contentious than on…MSNBC.
Yes, our good friends at the cable news equivalent of Vox are already sounding the warning bells on the possibility of Donald Trump becoming President again, and their crack talking heads (or talking heads on crack, I can never tell) have figured out what the Left has to overcome: rural America. From a recent “Morning Joe” appearance by Chris Matthews:
I think voters have got to take their hand in this election and don’t wait for the government to do it. Because, you know this election is going to be close. And it’s going to be very close in places like Pennsylvania, and you’re gonna have rural people out there voting their craziness about the cult.
In case you were wondering, the “cult” Mr. Matthews was referring to was…Trump voters. Yeah, I was shocked when I found out, too. And by shocked, I mean shocked someone took Chris Matthews out of cryogenic storage to appear on MSNBC.
Regardless of whether you think Trump voters are in a cult, this little snippet exposes how the Left feels about people who don’t live on the coasts. And it means I have another topic for the Lexicon.
rural America
What the Left thinks it means – a bunch of uneducated rubes who need smart people with the right politics to run their lives
What it really means – people whose voices the Left love to silence or ridicule
For purposes of transparency, I have lived in Iowa my whole life, so I would identify as a rural American. Granted, I don’t have Puddin’ Head Joe’s phone number on speed dial or access to all the most elite dinner parties on either coast, but I do know the people who have the attitude Mr. Matthews expressed usually haven’t been to a rural area for more than the time it takes to get a Starbucks.
Which means most Leftists. But speaking out of abject ignorance is on brand, so they see nothing wrong with it.
The problem is…there’s a lot wrong with it. Painting rural America as a swath of rabid Trump supporters misses the mark. It also misses the Matthew, the Luke, and the John, it’s so off base. The thing about rural America is how diverse it is ideologically, philosophically, and yes, even racially. We’re not all white people here, and we’re definitely not all conservative Republicans.
Take Iowa, for example. As of November 2023, the Hawkeye State is pretty evenly split, with Republicans and that powerhouse of politics Unaffiliated taking the top two spots, and Democrats in a close third place. That doesn’t exactly scream “Trump Republican stronghold” to me. And it certainly doesn’t sound like a cult, unless it’s the world’s lamest cult.
Things get even more murky when you consider the Midwest as a whole. Although it’s mostly a sea of red, there are states like Illinois, Michigan, and Minnesota that buck the trend, and they are certainly rural, or would be considered rural by the MSNBC morons. Yet, in their haste to whip up hysteria about Trump 2.0, they ignore the reality on the ground in those states.
Unfortunately, there are enough people unaware of the reality ready to believe rural America is like the bumpkins on “Hee Haw” only dumber. Including a former Senator from Missouri, Claire McCaskill. On the same show Matthews made the “rural cult” comment, she agreed with him, saying:
…if you are not on Donald Trump’s bandwagon, if you’re not a member of the cult, then you just stay quiet.
And people wonder why she’s no longer a Senator. Oh, wait, it’s because she’s a moron!
Anyway, both Matthews and McCaskill mirror the Left’s attitude about rural America, which has been pretty much a constant since I’ve been an adult. (Biologically, not emotionally.) The Left believe if it doesn’t happen on either coast, it’s dumb and needs to be converted to the “correct” way of thinking. And they’ve been pretty successful, converting states like New Mexico and Colorado from red or purple states into blue ones. They accomplish it like people who get STDs get them: they fuck people. And not unlike the aforementioned STDs, once one person/state gets it, pretty soon another one gets it.
But look at the bright side, kids! Pretty soon all states will need shit maps like San Francisco! Then we’ll all be equal! Won’t that be awesome?
The thing is rural America might not be the intellectual and ideological pushovers the Left thinks it is. People from the backwoods and gravel roads have a lot more life experience than Leftists do, and that shapes who they are more than any college curricula can. They worship God, they hunt and fish, they drive beat-up pickup trucks, and they know the value of a hard day’s work. And, yes, they have different political beliefs. You’re just as likely to find a farmer who votes straight-ticket Democrat as you are a farmer who votes straight-ticket Republican.
And the best part? These two farmers can be friends and/or neighbors without it descending into “Summer of Peace” style anarchy. That shit’s on you coastal Leftist motherfuckers. We may not walk in your circles, but we may not want to in the first place. Rural America is a simpler existence, but not an empty one because we don’t have what Leftist cities have. In fact, I think we might be better off that way.
Should Donald Trump become President again, Leftists won’t change their opinions of rural America. They’ll only quadruple down, saying Trump won because rural America is stupid as they point out the number of “smart” people who voted for Puddin’ Head Joe and Kamala “Word Salad” Harris. Just remember, some of those “smart” people came from rural America and found their way into your ideological bubble in spite of it. To have know-nothings like Chris Matthews, Claire McCaskill, and the entire MSNBC network from top to bottom paint rural America as some right wing feeding ground is not only insulting to me, but should be insulting to every Leftist in rural America who is fighting to bring a little more East and West Coast into the Midwest.
So, to the Leftists who think rural America is a vast intellectual wasteland, I offer two invitations. The first is to come to one of our rural communities and spend six months to a year here. Then, you can see what goes on here and be better informed. Maybe you’ll even like it enough to stay.
Should you reject the first invitation, I formerly invite you all to shut the fuck up about rural America. Thank you. Fuck you. Bye!
Leftist Lexicon Word of the Week
With all of the chaos of world events and the holiday season, it’s easy to miss pretty important things, especially if the federal government gets involved. And especially if Puddin’ Head Joe is involved.
After not wanting to take on rising drug prices because we had other things to spend money on, like a war an ocean away where we don’t have a direct interest in either side winning (but only a complete moron would do tha…nevermind), Puddin’ Head Joe is finally addressing it. By trying to exert federal power to address it. More specifically, Puddin’ Head Joe’s clown car…I mean Administration has put together a plan to use something called “march-in rights.”
Well, that doesn’t sound ominous!
Needless to say, I have questions. And statements. Oh, and jokes!
march-in rights
What the Left thinks it means – a measure that will allow the government to control drug prices if federal funds were used to develop the drugs
What it really means – a way for the Left to screw up worse than they already do
The origin of march-in rights was the Bayh-Dole Act of 1980. The TL:DR version: this law set up conditions where some entities outside of the public sector could develop inventions they could patent and monetize while receiving federal funds. But there’s a catch, one Leftists have been pushing to use. Under certain circumstances, the government can “march in” and take over, making changes the outside entities may or may not agree with, but have to abide by because…they took federal funding.
Yep. Completely innocuous. Nothing unsavory could happen.
Hell, even someone from Harvard Medical School says there’s nothing to worry about because it’s just the federal government exercising its rights in an agreement. And since it came from Harvard, we know it’s…probably bullshit.
For those of a small government mindset like your humble correspondent, this is the ultimate nose in the tent situation. If you take federal funds to develop a product, that shouldn’t automatically give the government the authority to come in after the fact and screw shit up on a whim. Or as the Puddin’ Head Joe Administration puts it, “extreme, unjustified, and exploitative of a health or safety need.”
Once a government official who may be confused about the number of genders (spoiler alert: still 2) determines this threshold is met, the federal government can swoop in and allow third parties to make the products, in this case drugs, cheaper. On the surface, this doesn’t sound like a bad idea. We all like to save money, especially if we have multiple high-cost prescriptions. So, why do I get the feeling this isn’t going to wind up being as much of a benefit as we’re being told?
Let’s see…Obamacare, the PATRIOT Act, the EPA, the FDA, the USPS, Amtrak, student loans…
For the Leftists out there, these are all things the government has told us would help us, but wind up being really fucking expensive without much actual benefit. But as long as we print the money to keep them rolling, the Left don’t care!
To the Left, money means power, and the most powerful currency in the country is government money. It’s the carrot, the stick, and the whip. It can entice people to act a certain way, as well as to punish wrongthink. And once you take the federal government’s money, you are its bitch until you can find a way out from under its thumb. And, trust me, they won’t make it easy.
Even if the Puddin’ Head Joe Administration figured out how to get its head out of its ass and make march-in rights work with drug costs, there’s going to be a major shift in contract law, especially with federal contracts. If the government decides what you’ve worked on for years runs afoul of what it thinks the fruits of your labor are worth, march-in rights give them the authority to alter whatever agreement you had. And with the criteria as presented being so vague, it could be for any reason it wants, as long as the government can justify it. I don’t know about you, but that’s fucking scary to me.
And it gets worse! Since the government can print money, it doesn’t have to play by the same laws of economics the rest of us do. Government isn’t in the money-making business. If they experience a loss because one of their ideas go tits up, they’ll print more money to cover the loss. And since they’re the only game in town for a lot of things they do, they don’t have an incentive to keep costs low to attract customers. We need what they provide, so they set the prices and the service level and if you don’t like it, fuck you!
There is another aspect to march-in rights that concerns me greatly. If Puddin’ Head Joe is successful here and the courts don’t uphold any challenges to the application, this opens the door for other government-funded projects to be subject to the whims of bureaucrats. You know, like…oh, let me just pull something out of my ass quick…the Internet? A pretty good case could be made that the Internet as we know it came from the Department of Defense, thus it was funded by the government and anyone else who distributes it can expect a knocking at their chamber doors and told what to do going forward or else.
The Corleone family would have killed for this kind of power. Oh, wait…
The point is we can’t let the possibility of lower drug costs blind us to the reality. If you give the government an inch, they’ll take a few thousand miles and then tax you up the ass for it. March-in rights are the governmental equivalent of a Faustian deal: you’ll almost get what you want but not ever get it completely, and you will pay dearly for it.
Like eating Chipotle, only without botulism.