10 years without you

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Ten years ago I had a 3rd tragedy in as many years. On May 22nd of 2009 I lost a dear friend and so much more. I was beginning to recover from the losses that plagued me in 2007 and 2008. The loss of my mom to cancer was the first and the loss of my marriage was the second. And love had left me behind.

But of course when you don’t go looking for something you always find it. And I found love. I found that I could open my heart again to another. Friends become closer and other talks begin. That is what happened between myself and Susie. She called herself Susan to most of our mutual friends and people we both knew. But she used Susie with another group of friends. I liked either name. They both enabled me to smile.

We talked endlessly across the distance. I was in Des Moines and she was in Chicago. We both had our pasts and present. We talked to on another almost daily. The sound of her voice even today makes me smile. As we talked and chatted about everything. We discovered our mutual attraction. And we talked about the future. And our future.

Even though she suffered from asthma, she was planning on running in a race for the cure event over the Memorial Day weekend. I was thinking about making a weekend trip to Chicago so I could watch the run and was checking out hotels in the area. I didn’t make it to Chicago the way I planned over that weekend.

Susan passed away suddenly on May 22nd in 2009. I couldn’t eat, had trouble sleeping. I was depressed and struck with a terrible loss. The loss of my friend, the loss of a possible future, and the past 2 year losses all came tumbling back on me.

I did go to Chicago after Memorial Day that year. My aunt Alice paid for a hotel room so I wouldn’t have to attempt to drive back home the same night. But I went to Susie’s wake and memorial service. I had to go, I needed to go. To say good-bye. It was a very tearful day for me. And now 10 years later, I am still saddened by the loss.

Rest in Peace my sweet Susie, Zipper Sister and Mistress of Complications of the Deryni fandom.

It’s been a year

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A year ago I lost my dad. And when I heard the news that he has passed I was devastated. He died on the morning of my 50th birthday.

My plans instantly changed and I made several trips to Fort Dodge and back. Working out the details of his obituary and planning a wake with the rest of my family in the area.

We had a great time at the wake. A lot of friends and family turned out for it. Stories circled around the room about many things dad had done in his 80+ years of life on this globe.

Dad would have loved the venue for his wake. The entire place was decorated with taxidermy mounts of all shapes and kinds. Taxidermy was one of the careers and hobbies dad had over the years of his life.

Dad was loved by many, and it showed. Siblings, children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, nieces, nephews, friends, and others. He had touched their heart with his own.

He had his quirks, but then who doesn’t. Some came from his generation of course. He grew up in a very different time and place from today. But overall he was a good man. He loved his wife Kathy as if they were two teenagers. He had a great sense of humor. He knew how to show love and forgiveness.

Now we are at the one year anniversary since dad passed. We have the heart-felt loss tugging at us from time to time. We have the memories of our times together. We have the shared memories from friends and family.

He is missed. But he is also just around the corner from us. Just a moment of time is all that separates us from him. Talk to him like you always did, use your familiar name for him.

Carry his memory with a smile.

It’s been 5 years

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Today marks the 5th anniversary of Dawson’s passing from this earth. I still think of my son often. There are many times that something comes up and I think “Dawson would like that.”

I smile at his memory and miss him. I am far from alone in my feelings. His mom, his birth father, his sister. Jen and his grandparents. His many friends and members of his Fairemly. And his wife Meaghan.

All of us deeply miss his simile, his humor, and his physical presence with us.

To me, he was and always shall be my oldest son. But he also was a fellow gamer, a co-worker, and my friend.

My greatest hope was he would be able to get his seizures under control. And then I always to teach him the basics of driving so he could eventually get his drivers licence. It would have been a highlight of my life.

Although Dawson’s life on this earth was short. It was meaningful in the way he toucheed all of our lives.

He was a good example to follow. In his kindness, his generosity, and his love and forgiveness.

So on this day, have a Macallan in honor of Dawson. If you don’t drink, that is fine, just toast him with your beverage of choice. He’ll understand.

A decade ago

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10 years ago my mom passed away. She lost her year and a half battle against cancer. But as it says in 2nd Timothy, she fought the good fight, she finished the race, and she kept the faith.

She is dearly missed on this earth and still very much loved by friends and family alike.

Rest in Peace mom. I love you.

One year on

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It’s been a year now since God decided He needed a red-headed step child more than me. I can remember it just as clearly as I can remember yesterday. Chatting with Dawson at work about his future at Mediacom. What department to move into next. He had just moved from Customer Service up to Tier1 and was looking forward to his next advancement from there. Looking out for his wife Meaghan to make their lives better. I reflect on how he was raised right by all his parents. A little of each of us in him, the best of the best.

I’m sure by this time he would have moved on to join the fledgling HFC NOC department and would be working with me there. It would be really cool.

I watch his Facebook page and see a continuing stream and outpouring of love towards him from his friends and family. His sudden passing is still felt by us all.

During the summer at the Des Moines Renaissance Faire a red maple was planted as a lasting memorial to Dawson with a dedication service as well. It was a beautiful gathering of his “fairemly”.

His sudden passing on February 3rd of 2013 has impacted me deeply. I really havent blogged much since his death, it came as such a shock to me that I am at a loss of words.

We can all learn from Dawson. He was always happy. He was alway forgiving. He always smiled. So here we all stand a year since he left us for other things. What have you learned from Dawson? Who have you forgiven? Are you happy and smiling just because you can?

I have. I have had trouble forgiving one person for many years, in fact for most of my years. So I have finally forgiven him and reached out to him in love. Much the same way Dawson did. It is with my birth father. I learned that from the example of my son.

Happy Birthday Susie

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I would love to be able to say those words to you. But for now, I must wait in this life until I can say them to you again. I’ve tried to write this a couple of times now, getting my thoughts and emotions in order. But I really can’t on this one. I love you Susie. I wish you were physically here, what a different life we would all have right now if that was the case. Thank you again for being my friend and much more even though it was cut short with your passing. I still love you and always will. You are never far from my thoughts and always in my heart. And when I need to hear your voice, I just play that voicemail message you left for me. It makes me smile to hear it. Happy 47th Birthday and I blow a kiss towards Heaven for you.

 

Happy Birthday Mommers

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Today would be my mom’s 69th birthday. She lost her battle against lung cancer in 2007. I could say a lot about my mom that could take up many pages of text. She was a woman of faith. And it was that faith that enabled her to raise 3 kids on her own. It was that faith that sustained her during her battle with cancer.

My mom was generally always happy. She had a great sense of humor too. Sometimes it was a bit warped, much like my own. Always available to talk to when you needed someone. I wish I could have had her council when I was going through my times of troubles in 2008 and 2009 especially. And even now I would like to still have her here with me.

I miss my mom. I know now she is without pain and in the precence of God and His Son, our Lord Jesus Christ. She is in glory and paradise but I still would very much like to see her and hear her voice. Although that one I can do from time to time. I have a recording of her that I play every so often and smile when I hear it.

So I just want the world to know. Today is my mom’s 69th birthday. For all those people who knew my mom. Please take a moment of your time today and think of her. For those that didn’t know my mom. Please also take a moment of your time today and think of her children, her friends and family. Wish us all well as we struggle through this day in memory.

I love you Mommers. Happy Birthday.