It’s Hollywood’s favorite season of the year: award season. During this time of year, stars get dressed up in the hopes of picking up awards for the previous year’s efforts and getting a platform to speak their minds on topics unrelated to their work. And this year’s Oscars will be no different.
What was once a somewhat enjoyable waste of a couple of hours has become a painful several hours where people who pretend to be other people for millions of dollars get to tell people what and how to think. Like college, but without beer.
Let’s take a look at the Oscars, shall we?
The Academy Awards/Oscars
What the Left believes it means – an awards show where actors are rewarded for their efforts and show how much they care about different issues
What it really means – a waste of several hours that could be done in a few minutes
Really, folks. Do we need several hours of famous people wearing expensive clothes talking about subjects they don’t know a fig about but care deeply about all the same? Let’s remember the bulk of these people said a corrupt Hillary Clinton or an old Bernie Sanders were viable alternatives to Donald Trump. And we’re going to take their advice on how to battle global climate change, income inequality, and Donald Trump? I wouldn’t trust them to tell me the benefits of breathing let alone how to feel about any issue.
And really, the movies being honored are secondary to the pageantry on display. And by pageantry, I mean expressions of sheer avarice. Even the losers take home a goodie bag worth at least as much as my house. And after the awards ceremony, there are the after-parties where wealth, celebrity, and alcohol flow more freely than they did at Chelsea Clinton’s wedding. And that’s just Hillary.
I am a film buff, so I appreciate good storytelling, photography, and acting. And I know there are some very talented actors plying their trades on films that deserve recognition. What I’m saying is we could show appreciation and save time and money in the process. I’m a solutions-oriented guy, and here’s a little something I came up with to make the Oscars more enjoyable.
1) Make the Oscars, coverage and all, two hours long, tops. With all of the production numbers, speeches, and such, the show is longer than a Ken Burns documentary, only less boring. I can do the same ceremony in less time than it takes to watch most movies being nominated, and it starts with better time management. Give the Oscars two hours, and call it a night.
2) No politics, ever. Let’s face it. Actors know as much about the world as their publicists let them know. Having them lecture me about politics instead of thanking people who helped them along the way tells me two things. One, they’re not worthy of listening to because they’re usually uninformed. Two, they’re thankless bastards, and who wants to listen to people like that? Cut out the politics, and just say thank you.
3) Limit the speeches and introductions to 2 minutes. Again, time management comes in handy. When you know you have a time limit, you learn the economy of words. Plus, it cuts down on the awkward banter between presenters introducing the next category. Seriously, are we to believe the duo of Pauly Shore and Helen Murren has anything in common aside from being carbon based lifeforms? Of course, the question of how this would be enforced is brought up. Easy. Shock collars.
4) Move the location of the Oscars from Hollywood to the Midwest. It’s easy to have lavish parties and extravagant awards shows in Hollywood. But try having one in Middle America. Hollywood stars typically don’t even know places like Duluth, MN, Des Moines, IA, or Branson, MO, exist, but why not give them a chance to experience it firsthand? And considering these places are far away from where celebrities are treated like gods, the stars would either not bother showing up or spending as little time in town as possible. In other words, it’s a win-win.
5) Give awards to movies people have actually seen. I can count on one hand the number of Best Picture nominated movies I’ve seen in the theater. Why? Because the movies that typically get nominated don’t interest me usually. To some, this would make me a philistine or an uncouth barbarian. To me, it makes me a bit more discerning in my movie choices. If you make a movie about man’s inhumanity to man against the backdrop of a Kansas town dealing with transgender issues and a love triangle with a British man, a Southern girl, and a transgendered teacher who is dying of cancer, and you can make it interesting to me, I’ll go. If you expect me to go to said movie just because of the subject matter, I’ll pass and watch something more my speed. That’s the reason the new “Ghostbusters” movie sucked. Instead of giving the audience an interesting story, the movie gave us “because they’re all girls now” as a reason to watch it. Make the nominated movies interesting or better known, and we might be willing to watch the Oscars more regularly.
6) More cage fighting.
Well, looks like I’ll be avoiding the Oscars again this year. Hollywood, you know my number. Have your people call my people and we can do lunch.